Saturday, April 10, 2010

I cry in the rain, and when i peal an onion

I cry in the rainy , and when I peal an Onion

“I cry in the rainy , and when I peal an onion to hide my feeling.
those were the words that woke me up from my sleep, from my day dreaming, from my fantasy life, usually we know things but we don’t say it to our selves just for our own safety
Sometimes it hurt to say those words, or even hear it from someone else.
When I was young we lived in a foreign country. Life was not easy nor hard. Mother tried her best to keep us from sleeping with a empty stomach, or sad face, or feeling less then the other who had more then we had. She tried to shadow those images from us, as she always said, “ Don’t look down at anyone unless you’re helping them”.

As a child I always felt different from other kids, not because of what I am wearing not because of what I look like. But what usually ran in my mind was why am I wearing a better cloth then those kids and have better live than them , yet they have what I need. They had a education
I never went to school. I usually woke up at 9:00 am, and I usually spend 6 hours alone and wondering around the village. There was no children around, between 9:00 am until 2:00 the only people around the village were older then I was or younger then I was. I frequently asked my self why my mother didn’t send me to school, even though my other siblings did. And I didn’t have the heart and the tongue to ask her that question. As one of my sister always said, “ you should go to school” hearing those words use to make me feel delighted. And sometimes I use to imagine my self carrying a backpack in high spirits.
Always in the afternoon, I use to go to the store and buy a bread. As I’m on my way if I see a kid with a backpack I use to stare at them, as I sometimes use to find tears on my eyes. I didn’t know whether my mom didn’t like me? And then I use to correct my self, that she didn't had the money. Then I asked my self why can’t she send me to the public school if she can’t afford the private once? There were numerous of question that use to jog in my head, but at that age I had no answer to those question that I use to ask my self .
One day, my mom got mad at my dad. She accused him of spending money that we could use as a family, and she continue the argument, usually when they fight I use to try not to listen to them. since we live in a small house, and every were you go, you could hear ever word clearly, never less an argument. When ever they start to fight I use to drive my mind to some where else. That I want to be, “ I use to imagine me in a big house laying down the with my little daughter on top of me and play in the rainy, getting wet and laughing. Imagination use to take me away from my dad and moms argument, but that day some how one word that my mom said brought me back to the reality and I smiled, those words she said brought a happiness in my face I was more happier then my day dreaming. Till this day I clearly remember the exact same words she said, “ and my youngest daughter is sitting here without an education and you spend money”. Those words actually answered my answerless questions that use to go circle in my head.

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